Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Link Dump: Link Dumper

Ivan the Terrible and His Son Ivan on November 16th, 1581, Ilya Repin.

It's that time again! It's time for me to phone in a blog entry for White Guys, Square Glasses! Let's begin, shall we?

Here's a fun little website my friend sent me: I Love Bagram.

It's over six-hundred observations of why Bagram Air Base is the best air base in all of the Hindu-Kush. For example:
4.11.11- No joke, last Saturday I asked for Praline and my response was the 1,000-yard-stare. Now if you don’t know who I’m talking about, then it’s about time you reward yourself with a frozen treat tonight at Dragon DFAC. I wouldn’t be surprised if the Russians had a nickname for this guy after he massacred a company of paratroopers back in ’79, because I doubt Mister Softee got those scars from wielding the ice cream scoop… but who knows, after all he does work for Fluor. Maybe one day I’ll work up the courage to ask him... no, no I won't. This man scares me to death.


What I love more than Bagram is one public television host, Huell Howser. And I love him about as much as I am annoyed by him. On the one hand it's always delightful to know that there's a grown man who is still excited by the idea of somebody grinding corn to make into a tortilla and on the other hand, it's upsetting to me that he's been doing this for over twenty years and there's yet to be anything actually exciting happen to the guy.

All that said, this KCRW guest DJ spot is pretty delightful. He talks about Johnny Cash and drinking whiskey in the White House and after all of this, I am convinced that I want nothing more in life right now than to see John Waters and Howser in a one-on-one conversation.

While Roling Stone magazine has a fairly storied history in distorting the truth in order to serve a perconcieved stance and what's good for all of us, if half of the shit in this article is true, than America is in a fucked up scary place.

I don't mind religious folks, but I do mind people-- of any faith-- that see it not only as their right, but their mission, to get all up in everybody's shit. Isn't that one of the reasons why they hate Muslims? Because they have a bunch of bearded weirdos who think they can hear God and tell everyone to act accordingly? And how can you be for the Constitution and for smaller government, except when it comes to inserting the Bible into people's lives? It's madness.

Why can't we nominate Huell Howser for something? I'd be alright with that. Someone start printing out bumper stickers.

Welcome to my nightmare! Now, let's move on to a nightmare of a different kind, shall we?

"A Jurassic Park sex hotel," you say? "How is that even possible.

One word: Japan.

"Oh, okay then," you say and sit back down, staring at your iced tea, wondering where all the time has gone.

As fucked up as Japan might be right now (on account of the tsunami and the earthquake, I mean, not it's bizarre and occasionally frightening pornography), at least they aren't Russia, which is a country about which I ask "What's wrong with that place" about every other week.

With a frightening consistency, most of the time I ask this, it's about the typical Russian themes of graft and corruption. Occasionally, something new and terrible will pop out of the nation that Ivan the Terrible built. One such thing is the drug Krokodil.

It is a drug for the poor, and its effects are horrific. It was given its reptilian name because its poisonous ingredients quickly turn the skin scaly. Worse follows. Oleg and Sasha have not been using for long, but Oleg has rotting sores on the back of his neck.

"If you miss the vein, that's an abscess straight away," says Sasha. Essentially, they are injecting poison directly into their flesh.

So, I ask you, what the fuck is wrong with that place? I mean, it's not like we have that over. . . oh.

Yeah, but still.

I want to say that we rarely talk about Iran on the program, but as I think back I realize that we probably talk about Iran more than most other countries. Anyways, not too long ago the Iranian nuclear program was (thankfully) hit by a computer virus called Stuxnet which, it's safe to say, fucked their shit up quite a bit (technically speaking).

But, why take my word for it when this slick video presentation can do it much more effectively--

Stuxnet: Anatomy of a Computer Virus from Patrick Clair on Vimeo.

When I went and saw Werner Herzog presnet The Treasure of the Sierra Madre at the Hollywood Forever cemetery, someone asked him if he had any work coming out. He said that, yes, he had five movies coming out there year. One of those five movies is about him going to prison.

Good for him.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to imagine Herzog screaming, "I am not locked here with you, you are locked in here with me."

Alright, if the drugs and prison weren't horrible enough for you, I've got one more bit of horror before we get to the light at the end of the tunnel.

In Libya not only does it seem that Momar Khadafi is deploying squads of soldiers to gang rape civilians, in some cases, the civilians are replying in kind by murdering the rape victims.

Because they don't want people to think poorly of them, now do they?

Now time for something light to get the taste of that out of my mouth. How about some Michael Caine? Good call. Here ya go--

Aw, yeah. That does me good.

Thursday, June 9, 2011


Episode 20 Notes: Let's go!

(I should actually get around to watching this one of these days. I think it's on Instant Watch.)

Joe and I love heists. We love crime. We love all that shit. I am even willing to put up with the three hours of nonsense and yelling that is Heat if only for the heist scenes. It's all just weird guys meeting in coffee shops and ugly 1970's homes being professionals. It's weird, but in a way the whole heist genre is how I picture adulthood. You look at a guy like Parker, a guy who is well dressed, immaculately skilled, and, in his own way, is the master of his domain. Nobody questions Parker's competency, they take him at his word and in exchange the world takes him at his word. Also, he has a sap and that's pretty damn cool.

When I was younger I imagined being an adult was a whole different world in which I am suddenly in control and I go to a job I'm great at and make a fine living do it. Obviously being older (being old enough to have grandkids by medieval standards) I realize that isn't all that true. The jobs suck and the hangovers just get worse, but I still love the idea of grown men (or women or genderqueer or lycanthropes or elves or whatever) coming together to execute something only they can execute with a frightening and swift efficiency.

In my mind that's what being a grown up basically amounts to, in a weird way. That and having a cabin in a mountainous state, but that's another discussion for another day.

I love hoaxes-- or at least jokes told so straight that they appear to be lies. "When It's Not Your Turn" is one of those things. But, like Joe said and I agreed, it's a pretty good joke that goes on for much too long. After about five or six paragraphs, the essay loses the plot and we're basically stuck with this lecture that we can't wait to walk out of and catch a smoke.

(Of course it has John Turturro in it. Of course.)

For the record Homicide: Life on the Streets was created by Paul Attanasio, but it was based off of the David Simon non-fiction book, Homicide: A Year on the Killing Streets.

(If you haven't seen this yet, just keep in mind that there's a of Shawshank before you get to the redemption.)

Joe and I disagree about the movie Punisher: War Zone (page 14). Basically, I'm right and he's wrong. I did see the movie in the best way that you can see a movie as dumb as that, which is blitzed out of my mind. I basically beat the movie to the punch by damaging my brain ahead of time. It didn't work, mind you, but I tried, damnit.

(What a fucking shitstorm that movie was.)

Here's the prison break (or a "self-heist") that started the second half of our program, which I only post to remind you that we're totally fucked and stuck in that crappy country until somebody figures out a way to find something new to replace the national Afghan past time of throwing large rocks at each other until you get bored. It's a strange and ancient country, Afghanistan, but it's a beautiful place, nonetheless.

Lastly, here's a small definition on the idea of baksheesh. It's obviously a much larger concept than an assumed bribe, but more often than not, when you see this phrase used, it isn't referring to showing your waiter gratitude.

Anyways, I'm out of here. Until next time, remember this--
If you got a good imagination, a lot of confidence and you kind of know what you are saying, then you might be able to do it. I know a lot of colorful characters at home that would make great actors.

--Jason Statham

Wise words, indeed.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Not Quite Dead Yet

We've got a new episode out!

It's actually an older episode because we had trouble transferring and loading it. But that's all in the past now! Now we've got nothing but good times and mild racial invectives! Join us, won't you?

Friday, June 3, 2011

It's Been a Way Now

I'll admit, I've been lax about follow ups on the blog. There's been a few problems with the podcast recently, but more than that, I've just been a lazy fuck. Sorry about that. In the future we're going to try to crank out more and more content and, in addition to the ever widening trickle of content, it'll actually be quality. Or at least we'll try for quality.

As much fun as posting videos of Rip Torn being a goddamn maniac, that isn't exactly as substantial as I'd like it to be.

So, with that said, here's a video or Rip Torn being a goddamn maniac.

It is the only way I know how to seal a deal.

And if you haven't checked it out, listen to your new episode "Matthew McConaughey is Gun Dog."

By the way, the whole joke about gun dogs comes out of an old magazine Joe and I found his roommate subscribing to. For whatever reason we thought it'd be hilarious to put America's #1 Hunky Southern Stoner in that position. Well, actually, I know the exact reason, it's hilarious.